


SmittyWerbenJaegerGetsFuckedManJensen

by just a little girl in a galactic void (TalkIsOverrated)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, complete and utter crack, ereri, im so disappointed in myself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 18:29:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11950113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TalkIsOverrated/pseuds/just%20a%20little%20girl%20in%20a%20galactic%20void
Summary: erenbb wants to sexu p levi lol he gon get fucccccced





	1. -1-

**A/N ~ NOT MY BEST WORK. Just a fanfiction written to freak out my brother's friend. Be warned that you are about to read some shit. Please, if you do not want your innocence scarred, turn back now before you are subjected to the dark contents of my own mind.**

_**SmuttyWerbenJaegerGetsFuckedManJenson(he was number one!)** _

**shamefully written by mdc**

{PART ONE}

"Alright you fucking brats, get down on your knees and start to clean. If I have to stand this place looking like the inside of Will Ferrell's ass any longer, I'll fucking rape everyone I see. Have I made myself clear?!"

"U-Understood, Corporal!" cried the young greenhorns of the Scouting Legion, all shaken by Levi Ackerman's tirade. Before now, the most terrifying thoughts that haunted their minds were all about being devoured by giant titans. Now, it was the thought of getting fucked by an angry midget in his late thirties. Brutal. However, one boy stood out from the horrified crowd.

As Eren Jaeger lazily swept his broom in his corner of the room, he muttered to himself, "I wouldn't mind being sexed by Levi, that piece of ass that he is. God, he's hot.. and tiny. Like a hot pocket." He stared at the man from afar and licked his chapped lips. "You ravishing hot pocket. I'd love to stick you in my microwave and fucking heat you up."

 _"Oh no, you wouldn't!"_ A voice came out of nowhere. He jumped in surprise to see his sister Mickey Mouse Kasa staring over his shoulder, malice shining in her eyes. "Eren, your ass is mine, Eren. If you give it to Levi then I'll just take it back for myself! Do you understand, Eren?! Eren!"

"Lady, if I had a stitch for every time you just said my name, we could sew up Marco's dead body. That way he wouldn't be like that one Big Time Rush song." With that, Eren violently swatted his sister on the head with his broom, causing her to hiss and flee to another corner of the room. "I'm watching you.. Errreeeeeenbb.." The teen sighed deeply and resumed staring at his corporal. He was currently shoving potatoes into Sasha's mouth as punishment for eating during training. At this rate, his favorite hungry friend was going to choke to death. But he was too busy staring at Levi's hot tiny body to care.

"Sigh.. he's so hot.. I wanna touch it.." But before he could act on his intense feelings, screams erupted from the crowd.

Sasha was dead.

Choked to death by means of potato.

* * *

 

The funeral wasn't even that large. People die in the Scouting Legion all the time. However, it didn't make it any less painful. While the teammates (respectfully dressed in black) stood in silence around her casket, Levi was tapping his foot impatiently against the ground.

"Yo dickpickles, I wanna go home and jack off to dank memes. When will this shitfest end?"

"Corporal!!" Connie exclaimed. "That's terrible to say! It's because of you that she's dead anyway!" He started silently sobbin' to himself. Suddenly, and to everyone's surprise, Levi pulled out a half eaten potato from his Louis Vitton purse. "Here. Take this, if it makes you feel better. Your friend was eating this potato before she died. Too bad she'll never get to finish it, though."

With those piercing words, the casket started to shake. Sasha punched it open, her eyes wide, drool dripping from her open mouth. "An unfinished food?! Left behind by me?! I don't think so!"

"Sasha! You're alive!" Armin yelled.

"This is incredible!!" Jean exclaimed.

"According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible," said Connie.

Eren smiled warmly over at Levi. "And it's all thanks to our corporal. Without him, Sasha would still be dead. Thank you, Mr. Ackerman!" Levi flipped his hair in Eren's direction and unintentionally winked.

"You're welcome. Brat." And he left without saying another word.

After a couple more minutes, the rest of the squad left back to headquarters. But Eren was still speechless over what just happened. The teen was melting in a pile. "He just called me a brat..!" He squealed in delight.

Jean walked over. "Hey Eren I have three discs full of gay furry porn if you want to wat-"

"I AM SO HARD RIGHT NOW I SWEAR MY DICK COULD CUT THROUGH DIAMONDS," he screamed angerely.

"....." Jean simply turned around and left.

Alone at last, Eren stared up at the sky. It was starting to rain over the cemetery. He closed his electric green eyes and let the water pelt his head and shoulders.

 

_**"Just you wait, sexy Levi hot pocket. One day you'll enter the microwave of my heart."** _


	2. -2-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> levv getos good succccccc

  Laughter filled the air as news of Sasha's survival began to spread.  After all, who knew that a simple potato would revive someone, even after they were pronounced dead?

   Unfortunately, though, these news came off the wrong way.  People started to dig up the graves of their loved ones and feed spicy cheetos to the rotting corpses.  Sobs echoed throughout the graveyard as their plans failed.  Dumbasses.  

  But that doesn't fuckin' matter anyway.  Nobody cares about the agony of everyone else!  Let's go back to the gay thot that everyone actually wants to see.

  ~*~

  Eren sighed dreamily as he danced around his room, combing his messy locks.  Thoughts of Levi roamed his mind, and he imagined that scene where the man actually talked to him over and over again like a movie.  He opened his balcony window and began to recite the gayest poem he could think of.  "Levi-o, Levi-o, wherefore art thou Levi-o?  Deny thy Commander and refuse thy name; or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love and I'll no longer be a Jaeger. Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this? Tis but thy name that is my enemy: thou art thyself, though not an Ackerman?"

 "SON, I DON'T REMEMBER RAISING YOU TO BE A FAGGOT," Carla Jaeger shouted from the heavens.

"MOM?!"  Eren screamed back, disbelief clear in his voice.

"YEAH YOU HEARD ME.  QUIT BEING GAY.  I'M ROLLING IN MY GRAVE WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS A PILE OF TITAN SHIT!"

"IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME, MOM?!"

"FUCK YOU, I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD."

A voice from behind him suddenly spoke up.  
"Brat, what the hell is all this noise? People are trying to kill themselves out here and need some peace and quiet."

Eren gasped and whirled around, seeing Levi in the doorway. "C-Corporal?" He whispered. "How did you.. get in my room..?"  He suddenly felt weak and vulnerable under the corporal's intense gaze.  He felt his hot pockets begin to grow.

"Tch.  I'm your daddy, Jaeger.  Of course I have a key to your room," Levi replied.

"M-My daddy's dead.."

"So is this one," Levi gave Eren a thumbs up.  "except I'm just dead on the inside."

 Eren couldn't help but shiver in delight.  Hearing people talk about self-depreciation was always a turn on for him.    
  


"So.."  The corporal smirked, "are we gonna fuck or what?"

**Author's Note:**

> reuploaded from my old wattpad account. please leave a comment and some love!
> 
> p.s this is the big time rush song - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NSRCOAxsVo


End file.
